Becoming Herself
by Elliot Pole
Summary: It is Cady's senior year. Her mother dies in October, and she feels terrible. Then a beautiful foreign exchange student comes to the school, and Cady and her become fast friends. But when Mercedes turns out to be a lesbian, will their friendship hold?
1. Chapter 1

Cady: Universal Problem

**Becoming Herself**

**Chapter One**

The senior year in high school went off to a bad start. Cady failed her English quiz on _Ethan Frome, _which she had been required to read over the summer. During her first math test, the girl next to her kept asking what the quadratic formula was. Cady wanted to bite her, but couldn't do anything; she just attempted to ignore the whispering. But, being unable to concentrate on nonexistent limits and the tangent of cosine over the secant squared due to her neighbor's persistence, she shouted out, "The square root of negative b squared minus four A C all over two A!" Mr. Hashbram took up her paper and gave it a round 0.

Then, Mark Hagen, the new cute guy, accidentally spilled spaghetti over Cady's lap during lunch. She tried to say it was okay, but it came out all weird, and even if it hadn't he would've thought _she _were weird. So Cady ran to the bathroom and got cleaned. Thank goodness it hadn't been Cady who spilt spaghetti on Mark, but still…she felt embarrassed.

And one of the freshman junior Plastics seemed to have a crush on her. The girl's name was Emily Grisham, and she claimed kinship to John Grisham, the famous novelist of several court-related books of fiction and _Skipping Christmas. _She had short brown hair, and she often made kissing faces in Cady's direction when the latter walked by. One day Cady tried to tell her that they couldn't be a couple, because Cady wasn't a lesbian. For a second Emily would look crestfallen, but her friend, Madison Peakes, informed her, in a loud voice so that Cady when catch it, "She'll come around to love you someday, Em. Just be patient."

Yeah, right. Cady would never become a lesbian. She didn't even know if you _could _change sexual orientations. And she had always been a heterosexual. Boys were her thing, not girls. She expected that it would always be this way.

But two things happened to change it. First, a train killed her mother. Mrs. Heron had been making a mountain out a molehill by worrying over the confectionary sugar she had bought when she needed brown sugar to make cinnamon basticchos, a very sweet delicacy she had found in a cookbook translated from Urdu. But they had to be made by the next day, causing her to drive extremely fast to the store. The car ran over a railroad track and the split second that the tracks closed. So she was trapped. And the door was jammed with the seatbelt due to some glutinous substance she could not recognize. Then it was too late; a train came smashing into the car, ripping her neck apart. She was dead and would never rise again.

When Cady heard about this, salty tears ran down her face. Her father was very stoic for himself, but he tried to calm her down, to no avail. She cried and cried. It took her three days to get past that part. Then she began writing in her journal incessantly.

_October 16__th_

_Mother is dead. I hate the world. I wish I my tears could form a river that I could drown in. Why does God take people away from us like this? Is he cruel and merciless? I prefer the African deities who ask for human sacrifice. They don't break hearts the way the Christian God does. Oh, blood, I imagine blood…an ocean full. I didn't see my mother's blood—they decided to cremate her and burn the ashes. Oh, foolish Maker! He didn't even let me say farewell to her! Not to mention Father's letting them do that to the corpse so soon. The funeral's in two days. I plan to listen to dirges for the rest of my life. No happy songs for me. Maybe Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, but none of this Jessica Simpson offal. There, I used 'offal' in a sentence! Mrs. Chalkingwhite will be proud. I guess I'd better do my homework, though I don't feel up to it. Till later._

_October 17__th_

_I hate my life! Sparky broke the Mathlete trophy I won last year. I intended to show that to my children! That stupid Dalmatian; why did Dad buy a firehouse mutt? It would've been better if we had a Chihuahua—at least they aren't puissant enough to knock a trophy off a mile high dresser by banging into its sides. Oh, what am I kidding? I'm supposed to be thinking about the female parent I'll never see again, not some stupid hunk of bronze! Oh, Mom, I hope you are in Heaven, playing the harp or making basticchos for angels. It must be a pleasant place. I wonder if I shall join you there, or plummet to Hell with my miserable existence. There is so much--_

_October 18__th_

_I broke off yesterday because that mongrel made such a clatter by banging open the dishwasher door and slamming plates on the ground. It got to its third plate before I arrived on the scene to slap it. It better not do that again._

_Today was Mom's funeral. There were roses and dirges and ghost cookies. I want her BACK! My mother, who has always been there with me, when we traversed Africa, through my first year of public school—she has been shirked away from me. And I'm not ever sure what "shirk" means, but it sounds nice. Why was I born into this bitter world of loneliness? Is this place only life and death? Some comfort must come, but I cannot imagine it. No, now I'm being optimistic. This is the worst of ALL possible worlds!_

_October 22__nd_

_Mom, how dare you abandon me on this world! You left me here to endure pain and suffering instead of taking me with you. If only I had been in the car with you so that _I _could've perished in the train accident as well. I'm thinking of suicide so that I can join you wherever you are. Mr. Jorston, my Physics teacher, called on me today and asked me to demonstrate refraction. I tried to do something with a tuning fork; but he just laughed at me. Many of the kids were polite enough about it, but Harper Brown guffawed in my face. He's rather pigheaded when it comes to science. But that pales into comparison to that annoying Emily Grisham, who asked me to the Dory Poggins' dance, in front of half the senior class! Mark now thinks I'm a lesbian, I'm certain of it. I could make Emily pay for this!_

But she didn't make Emily pay. Neither did she attend the Dory Poggins' dance with her. Something good came of it this incident, even though she knew Mark would never accept her as an eligible girlfriend. A new exchange student came to the school. She was from Colombia and had the name Mercedes Fasha Marquez. And she was the most beautiful girl Cady had even laid eyes on, with her petite figure and svelte fashions and hair that fell to her waist. Mercedes had protuberant eyes instead of tiny ones like most Hispanics Cady had formerly met. Best of all, her English was really swell, for a girl who grew up in a country where Spanish was the first language.

Some other girl—Katrina Novack, was signed up to escort Mercedes around. But Cady begged Mrs. Yutsin in the counselor's office to grant her permission to show Mercedes the ropes instead. Mrs. Yutsin appeared more than happy to do it, for Katrina had complained vehemently about babysitting a girl from South America who probably didn't speak English fluently. (The staff had not told her that Mercedes was reported to have superb English skills and that she wouldn't even require ESL courses, because they had yet to believe it themselves.)

Cady introduced herself to Mercedes.

"Hello," said the Hispanic. "Pleased to meet you."

Cady's heart fluttered when she heard this voice, though she didn't know why. She proceeded to show Mercedes the hallways, the library, the cafeteria…the whole school. Sometimes she said idiotic things like, "That's a water fountain. Well, of course it's a water fountain, they don't make ones that spout orange juice or Sprite, do they?" But Mercedes always reassured her. Once the whole school had been exhibited to the new student, Cady took her to her current class as noted by Mercedes' schedule, saying a quick goodbye and an "I'll see you around."

At lunch, Janis was busy with her boyfriend, so Cady sat at a table with Lynn Vaughn and Jamie Glascow, two girls who had shown interest in her after the school year had recommenced and the reign of the old Plastics had concluded. Then she saw Mercedes alone as she had been when she first came to high school. She asked Lynn and Jamie to excuse her, and sat with the Hispanic. They chatted quite a bit, and when the bell rang signaling that lunch was over, Cady felt angry that her time with Mercedes was cut so short. This shocked her, for she had never felt this way before, especially about someone she had just met. But she went meekly to class and tried to focus on finding derivatives of complicated math expressions. It wasn't easy, for images of Mercedes kept blocking her memory of what the derivative of negative cosine was.

Every day at lunch she sat with Mercedes, and before school started they spoke, too. Mercedes was upset that the school had placed her in ESL classes though her former institution had faxed her outstanding English scores to them. Luckily, she only had to suffer until the end of the semester, for it was proven that she had more competence in English than the instructor, who had grown up learning the language. Once, Cady asked Mercedes how she had become so fluent in English.

"Oh, I'm such a scholar. A pedant, I guess you could call me. I wanted to learn the top two languages spoken by the most people, which are Mandarin Chinese and English. So I did. It was hard work at first, but I managed at the end."

"You speak Chinese?"

"Well, actually, only a little. I used to have the rudiments of Chinese down pat, but now I can only remember the numbers (ling through shi), how to say hello (Ni hao), and stuff like 'mei mei,' which means 'little sister.' I realized I'd never go to China, so there was no point in keeping up with those studies."

"But you enjoy studying?" Cady inquired. Then, thinking that the studiou usually don't date, she blurted out, "Did you ever have a boyfriend?"

Mercedes eyes flared. "What would I want one of those for?" she asked, and stormed off. Cady had no idea why Mercedes should get so angry over a simple question.

For the next two days Cady never once saw Mercedes. She wasn't in the cafeteria at lunch time. Cady feared she might be sick, or have a ton of work to do and be spending all her moments in the library because of it. Though why Mercedes wouldn't answer the phone when Cady called her, she could not fathom. Then, on the third afternoon ensuing this incident, Emily reproached her.

"How could you say something so insensitive to the exchange student?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Cady said, huskily.

"You asked her if she ever had a _boyfriend." _The last word was uttered with such contempt and disgust that Cady never heard it used before.

"So? Girls have boyfriends in Colombia just as they do here."

"Maybe they do, but not one of _our _ kind," Emily said. She snorted, then walked away.

At first Cady couldn't understand this statement, for the "our" had emphatically included herself and Emily Grisham, suggesting that Mercedes was like them but not like other girls. What could that mean?

It wasn't until after dinner that night that comprehension dawned on her. Mercedes _couldn't _have a boyfriend, because she was a lesbian! No wonder she had gotten so angry. Cady decided to e-mail her and apologize, though without mentioning that she knew about Mercedes' orientation.

Since she did not see Mercedes in the morning or at lunch, Cady surmised that her friend hadn't read the e-mail yet. But after school ended the Hispanic ran up to her, and embraced her in a giant hug. Then she held Cady's face in her hands, and brought her lips to Cady's own.


	2. Chapter 2

**Becoming Herself, Chapter Two**

"_What are you doing?"_ Cady shrieked.

"Oh, Cady, I'm so sorry to bring myself on you like this so fast, but when I found out that you like women too, and since I have the hugest crush on you, and after that e-mail last night—well, you see, I couldn't help myself."

"Who told you I like women?"

"Why, that boy—Mark What's-His-Name?"

"Mark Hagen?"

"Yes, him. He said a girl asked you to the dance, and you didn't find it awkward. Then I knew. I hope you don't mind."

But Cady did mind. She told Mercedes so.

The Hispanic looked at her longingly, but took a step back. "But Cady, there aren't that many lesbians around. Why can't we—"

"I don't think we should be friends anymore," Cady said, solemnly. She walked away, thinking she'd never speak to Mercedes again. That night after dinner, she saw her inbox filled with messages from Mercedes, begging her for forgiveness. She read a couple and deleted them. Then she presumed to commence her dreary life again.

Janis was unsympathetic when she heard. "How could you do something to that poor girl, Cady? She worships you,, and you're treating her like you did your friends when you became the new Queen Bee after Regina George was forced to abdicate last year."

"She has a crush on me, Janis. I can't take it."

"What does it matter?"

"She wants me to be her girlfriend, and it would be harmful to my reputation."

"Ah, there's the word I hate with all the fibers of my being!" Janis shouted. "'Reputation!' Bah, humbug! What does reputation matter? That girl dotes on you, and you'd better start treating her right." She stormed off.

Emily Grisham came up to Cady and rubbed her hand under Cady's chin. "I guess you're not wanting to be with Merc proves you like me, doesn't it, baby?"

"Don't call me that. I don't want to date _you, _either, Em."

"But we were made for each other. It's written in the stars," Emily insisted, running her fingers through Cady's hair.

Cady made a motion as if to slap Emily. But the brown-haired girl was too quick for her. As she ran off, cheerfully, she yelled back, "You'll love me someday, Cady!"

The whole hall heard, and Cady blushed. She had suspected that people were talking about her behind her back—about her possibly being a lesbian before, due to Emily's asking her to the dance. This had been confirmed when Mercedes told her Mark Hagen was the culprit who convinced her that Cady really was a lesbian. But now, Emily's statement completely disturbed her, for the whole school would know and she'd never have a boyfriend again.

If that weren't bad enough, when she got home her father told her he was dating someone.

"So soon after Mom died?"

"Yes, Cady. Don't give me that long face. A man has to have a woman. Just imagine that your mother and I got a divorce; in that situation you couldn't _possibly _be upset that I was dating again."

Cady decided not to retort but kicked the Dalmatian on her way to her room. Men needing women…what a joke! Why didn't her father have any respect for her mother's memory? It felt like he was betraying her. If _he _had been the one to perish instead, Cady was certain her mother would not have run after the first male on the street who would have her. Would she?

She pondered and pondered. She wrote her thoughts in her journal. While her father was out with his girlfriend, she neglected to microwave a frozen dinner like he had suggested. She didn't want to eat. Imagining herself married twenty or so years down the line, then dropping dead, and her husband going out with another woman within a week after the funeral, stopped her from being hungry. If spirits were sentient and knew what went on with their kith and kin after they died, she'd think the entire marriage was a waste. And there'd be no way to seek reparations, because she'd be dead…

She fell into a deep sleep, deeper than she'd ever experienced before. She dreamt of a faceless man, who told her he loved her. Then he turned into a pig. He grunted, and snorted, trying to woo her. Then she saw a grave with her name on it, and the pig running off with a woman, who was as faceless as he had been when he was a man.

When she awoke she decided that men were untrustworthy. At school, Mark Hagen stopped looking good to her. She feared she might lose interest in boys entirely.

Sometimes Mercedes glanced longingly at her across the lunchroom. But Cady had never thought lesbianism acceptable; her mother had even remarked one time on how terrible it was that a couple of girls in Rwanda were acting like lovers. Janis wouldn't speak to her, but Emily was patting the seat next to her indicating that she wished Cady would sit there. Cady never would do that; it'd encourage her to spread rumors that she and Cady were an item. It'd also make Mercedes upset. Cady imagined the girl from Colombia weeping abundantly in her room, mourning for the lover that she had lost.

And that was when it hit her. Loving someone of your own gender was _no different _from liking someone of the opposite sex. Religious and other antagonistic peoples made it out to be, but truthfully, love was love. The fact that Mercedes loved girls shouldn't bring . Her mother may've been against it, but her mother wasn't here now. Furthermore, she was not of her mother's generation, and generations make a big difference in regards to discrimination. Whatever Cady knew, it amounted to this: she would not let former prejudices keep her from happiness.

Yet she did not know what she wanted. Did she wish to give her entire self to Mercedes, who she had only known two weeks? It certainly seemed the right thing to do; the poor girl looked so forlorn, and Cady's heart _did _palpitate when they were in close proximity to each other. But though she did not fear public shame so much, it seemed as if her own shame would engulf her. This wasn't supposed to happen; she was a heterosexual! Didn't she kiss Aaron last year? It was lovely, the feel of his lips on hers. She pictured their first kiss again, and then thought of doing that with Mark Hagen. A feeling of utter revulsion went through her body. It wasn't just that she no longer saw Mark as handsome. Somehow, kissing men had become repugnant. In her mind, anyway. Maybe if she tried to do it in reality, her opinion would change.

She e-mailed Aaron that evening, asking him to meet her at Morran's Pizza Parlor on Friday night. She made it sound like an emergency. He agreed to do so. Cady was there first, at a quarter to seven. He arrived twenty minutes later, frantic with worry.

"Cady, what's the matter? From your e-mail it sounded like something dreadful was happening."

"I fear something traumatic and life-changing is happening," Cady said, quietly.

"What do you mean? There was no emergency?"

"Yes, there is a sort of emergency. Aaron, I need to know something."

"What?"

"Kiss me."

Aaron shook his head. "You made it sound like an emergency so that I would come _kiss _you? Cady, you know I can't—I'm dating Melissa now."

Cady blushed. "Oh, sorry, I probably should explain."

"No, Cady. If a kiss is what you seek, I shouldn't be here." He got up to leave.

"Aaron, please, listen to me. I'm afraid of becoming…" She paused, finding it difficult to form the words.

"Becoming a slut?" Aaron guessed.

Cady glared at him. "If you won't be kinder, I may have to slug you."

Aaron opened his mouth, but no words came out. He sat back down.

"My mother died three weeks ago—"

"What? You didn't tell me."

"I didn't see any reason to before. You are so absorbed with Melissa…"

"As I should be, since she is my girlfriend. But I am terribly sorry, Cady."

"Yes, well, that was the start of the trouble. But something else has happened." She told him about Emily Grisham and Mercedes.

"And you're afraid you're becoming a lesbian?" Aaron asked when she had finished.

"Yes."

"Cady, listen to me. You can't be a homosexual; you were crazy about me last year. One doesn't not change automatically from liking members of the opposite gender to those of the same sex. You're either born with it or not. They've done studies: homosexuals have larger hypothalamuses or something than heterosexuals."

"Maybe it took my mother's death to figure out what I am."

"I suppose if I _have _to kiss you to drive a stake through these ludicrous feelings, I will," Aaron said, though he sounded more eager than his words would lead one to believe.

As he leaned his face toward hers, a voice inside her told her to scream. "_This is unjust, don't let his lips near yours, yell 'Sexual Harassment!' Someone will stop it—Cady can't you feel how disgusting this is?'_

But she stood her ground, ignoring the voice. Aaron's lips embraced hers. Cady did her best to enjoy it, kissing him back. She failed utterly. It was nothing like she remembered. Before his lips had been so delicious, but now it was as good as eating a balloon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Becoming Herself**

**Chapter Three**

"Feel anything?" Aaron asked, when they finished kissing.

"Like I'd rather be run over by a truck," Cady said.

"But—you kissed me back!" Aaron exclaimed, clearly hurt.

"That was to test whether or not I was right. I am right; I must be a lesbian."

"Come on, you're just fooling yourself. The Cady I know is not a lesbian."

"Maybe I don't want to be the Cady you know anymore. I'm finding out who I am; it's far better that this is happening now than when I'm forty."

"But Cady, all the time we had together—will you just forget it, as if it never happened?" He sounded utterly dismayed.

"No, I cherish those memories. But you met Melissa and things haven't been the same since." Seeing he was looking pale, as if he were losing something precious, Cady attempted to reassure him. "My change in orientation doesn't mean that I'll forget you. I remember our first kiss with fondness. But this last one…"

"Ah, that's what was wrong. I forgot to imbue the kiss with passion. Cady, let me kiss you again."

"No," she said adamantly.

"Why not?"

"I asked you to kiss me as an experiment. The results have been negative; I no longer like men, in that way.. Letting you kiss me would be like you letting Scott Vortex kiss you." Scott Vortex was a rival on the swim team from Northside High School who graduated the same year as Aaron.

Aaron shuddered in revulsion. "Darn you know how to make nasty pictures evolve in one's head. I won't kiss you, then. I just hope Melissa doesn't become a lesbian, too."

"I doubt she will," Cady assured him. They said their farewells, and Aaron left.

Now Cady had to figure out how to approach Mercedes. She wasn't sure the girl would take her back, after the way she had treated her. When she returned home from the pizza parlor, she called Janis.

"What do _you _want?" Janis asked.

"I want Mercedes back, but I don't know if I can take rejection. I mean, I treated her so poorly…"

"Oh, Cady, she'll take you back. Trust me."

"You really think so?"

"Yes. And if she doesn't, there's always Emily Grisham."

Both of them laughed at this notion. Cady hung up and went to bed.

On Sunday afternoon, as she was finishing up an assignment for social studies, she thought she might send Mercedes an e-mail to reassure her. But when she started typing, she had no idea what to say. Mercedes might not read it anyway; this required a face-to-face conversation.

The next day, Mercedes was not there. Nor the next. On Wednesday, Cady decided that she had no choice but to e-mail the girl. She checked her inbox on Thursday, but there was nothing. Mercedes still did not show up on Friday, but there was a message from her:

_Cady,_

_Oh, thank God you're no longer upset! And you think you could really like me? This is more than I could ever hope for…part of the reason I joined the exchange program was the hope that I'd find a girl in America who would share my interest in women. In Colombia, it is looked upon as a sin to kiss or even think of a girl in that way. I thought that America had put aside such prejudices long ago. I see now I was wrong. _

_I don't want to push you to do anything you don't want to. I just want a girlfriend. If it ever feels too awkward for you…like you can't take it…just tell me, and I'll never bother you again. There are other lesbians who will have me._

_I've had a cold for several days, but I'll be back in school on Monday. See you then!_

_Love (I can use this word, can't I?),_

_Mercedes _

Cady thought of replying back that she loved Mercedes too, or thought she did, and Mercedes should have no worries about being forsaken by her. But, upon reflection, she believed it would be better to demonstrate this by actions than by words.

On Monday Cady wore her most attractive dress, which caused her father to remark, "What's the occasion?"

"Oh, there's just someone I want to impress."

"Cady, any boy who likes you because of what you're _wearing _is a scumbag."

"All boys are scumbags, Dad."

"That's a rare statement to come from a seventeen-year-old girl."

"What can I say. I'm unique."

She patted the Dalmatian on the head, then walked out the door.

At school, she spotted Mercedes before the latter spotted her, and Cady ran into the Hispanic girl's arms faster than the speed of light. They kissed. Cady didn't care that it was a public place, that everyone was watching. She had never been this happy in her life.

Over the next several weeks, Mercedes and Cady were inseparable. Cady brought the Hispanic girl to her house, and introduced her to her father. Emily Grisham glared at Mercedes in the hallways, for stealing her dream girl. Mark Hagen had joined the Photography Club, and he took pictures of Cady and Mercedes kissing. One of these pictures was printed in the school newspaper, and at first Cady was angry and threatened to kick Mark in his crotch, but then Mrs. Yutsin called her down to the counselor's office.

"Miss Heron," said the counselor, her lips pursed. "It has come to our attention that you have been behaving in questionable behavior in the school hallways."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Cady said, calmly.

"Kissing the exchange student in a romantic manner. Does this ring bells?"

"Um…yeah. But is there a law against that?"

"If this were the early eighties, yes, then there would be. Unfortunately, it is the twenty-first century."

"Well, that's good."

Mrs. Yivust pursed her lips even tighter. "I don't know what your definition of 'good' is. If you do not cease this behavior immediately, the school will have to notify your father—"

"No! It'd kill him!"

"Then you must understand that, though we can't have you arrested or suspended, we can inform your father that you are a hooligan, a slut, a dirty woman."

"For kissing a member of my own sex?"

"Yes."

"This is ridiculous! I thought this was a progressive country, but I see I was wrong."

"Listen, here, young lady. Homosexuality should be forbidden. It is a disgrace to mankind. What if one day, it's illegal for men to love women, and women to love men? Then procreation will be impossible. I would call your father now, but I'm a pleasant woman, and have chosen to give you another chance. No more kissing Miss Marquez. You'll ruin her for when she goes back to Colombia, where she'll meet a nice man, get married, have children. It's perfectly fine if you're a lesbian," though the way Mrs. Yutsin said it made it sound as if it was anything _but _perfectly fine, "but Miss Marquez is a respectable Colombian who can barely speak English, and—"

"She speaks English better than you think! Heck, if she entered an English-speaking contest against most of the students at this school, Mercedes would win!"

"Then why is she in ESL classes?"

"Because this stupid school lost her files!"

The counselor's face became hard and cold. "You have just insulted this school. I will eagerly be waiting your graduation. As soon as you walk out those doors, you can kiss all the girls you want. But I'm warning you…if any of our staff catches you in this disgraceful behavior again, your father will know immediately, and you will be expelled."

"I thought you said you couldn't expel me for that."

"We'll find another reason to expel you. There are girls who know a lot about you that could result in instant expulsion. Regina George seems particularly interested in giving information."

Cady was fed up with her school. To think that they would make a deal with Regina George! She couldn't help thinking what a corrupt world this is.

"I think we have made clear what we can do to you. You are dismissed."

Cady left in a huff. She thought she should've made a retort about the school watching Emily Grisham's behavior, since she was also likely to kiss girls in public venues. But all she wanted to was find Mercedes.

At last she spotted her talking to Ms. Sullivan, her science teacher. Mercedes finished her conversation, then rushed to wrap her arms around Cady's shoulders, leaning in for a kiss…but Cady put her finger to the girl's lips.

"We can't," she whispered. "Not here." Ms. Sullivan was watching them.

Cady told Mercedes about everything Mrs. Yivust had said. Mercedes was really upset when Cady mentioned that the counselor had remarked that one day she'd marry a Colombian boy. But Cady did not mention what hurt her the most…that Mercedes would be returning to Colombia one day, and Cady could not follow her there.

If the day wasn't bad enough, that night at dinner her father made an announcement. "I'm getting married!"

"What?" Cady asked.

"Caroline is amazing. I can't live without her any longer."

"But…I haven't even met her! And you'll expect me to call her 'Mom,' I bet…"

"That's about the sum of it."

"Dad, this isn't right! It feels like you're a traitor!"

"Cady, your mother is dead. _Get over it."_

That was too much. Cady ran to her room, slamming the door behind her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Becoming Herself**

**Chapter Four**

She did not eat for two days afterward. Instead of doing her homework for English class, she drew pictures of dragons and mermaids in a fantasy world where creatures did not have to worry about the stupidity of human beings. Drawing these things eased her tension. She also thought it might be interesting to go to the art museum with Mercedes. At least there no one would care if they kissed, except for old ladies who believed that the way things were when they were her age were the right things, and young people these days were too corrupt for their own good.

One day, when Cady came home from school, her father announced one day that the wedding would be held in two weeks' time. "She'll be here Friday, along with her daughter."

"She has a _daughter?' _Cady exploded. "Dad, the last thing I need is a step-sister to ruin my life."

"You're not the only person in this family, Cady, and I expect you to realize that I have needs too. Besides, Stephanie has always wanted a sister."

"Well, Stephanie can lick my ass."

"Language, Cady," her father warned.

"I can curse if I want to, when things aren't going my way."

"That's it. You're grounded until the wedding is over."

"But…" She had been planning to go to the museum with Mercedes that Saturday.

"My word is final. Now, go do some homework."

Cady went to her room, but she didn't do any homework. She searched her DVD collection for something about lesbians, but found none. Her mother would've never allowed such things in the house. And now Cady was grounded, so she couldn't go to Walmart or some place to find a lesbian movie. But Mercedes could…

She called Stephanie on her cell. "Hey, dear, do you think you could go to Blockbuster or somewhere to rent a lesbian movie?"

"Sure, Cady. I'll have it at school tomorrow."

"Thank you." Cady hung up and continued not doing her homework.

She walked miserably to school the next day, and wouldn't talk to Mercedes at lunch, even when Mercedes handed her _Filled With Lemons _with Zena Grey and Maltida Asphalt. Mercedes knew something was wrong, but she couldn't find a way to put the question in words, and she didn't want to upset Cady. Janis didn't notice anything; it took a lover to understand Cady's pain without her saying a word.

On Friday, Cady told Mercedes that she wanted to go to the museum with her, but couldn't, as she was grounded. She left out the fact that that night she would meet her father's fiancée and her soon-to-be step-sister.

When she got home from school, she drew a picture of a female pirate fighting an octopus. On the back on the picture she wrote the words, "I am Zigroz, the pirate, and Caroline is the octopus." Then she wrote a rather lengthy entry in her journal about how much she hated her life.

Ere long, she was called down to dinner. Her father was the only one there, and this gave Cady some hope.

"Where's Caroline?" she asked.

"She'll be here in about three minutes. I wanted to go over a couple of things with you. You are to be nice to Caroline, or your grounding will extend beyond our wedding. And to Stephanie you are to be ultra-polite as well, no matter what she says to you. Am I clear?"

Cady mumbled an answer.

"I said, am I clear?" her father said, more forcefully.

"Clear as glass, Mr. Heron."

Her father's face flushed. Being called "Mr. Heron" by his own daughter was almost worse than her calling him by his first name. But before he could yell at her, the doorbell rang.

A moment later, a blond lady and a girl about Cady's age, also blond, entered the dining room.

"Hello, Cady," said the woman. "I'm Caroline. Stuart's told me so much about you. Says you're a math whiz. I can't even solve the simplest algebraic problems."

Cady hated this flattery. Caroline's daughter smiled ruefully.

"Oh, and this is Stephanie. Say hi, Steph."

"Hi, Steph," Stephanie said.

"She can't make up her own jokes," Caroline said. "So she steals puns and stuff from movies she's seen. I try to get her to be more creative, but hitherto my attempts have been a failure."

"Well, dinner?" said Cady's father. He put plates of grilled chicken, mashed potatoes, and sliced bell peppers on the table. They started eating. At first the conversation concerned general topics, such as a murder that occurred a couple of days before in the neighborhood, and Bush's recent veto on a bill to allow stem-cell research to progress further than it'd ever gone before. But soon Mr. Heron and Caroline became too absorbed in each other, and Cady couldn't stand it, so she hurriedly finished her plate, tossed it in the sink with a loud clatter, and ran trembling up to her room.

There was a knock on her door a couple of minutes later. "Cady, open up!" her father shouted.

"NO!" she screamed.

Her father banged on the door with his fists, but a moment later Cady heard Caroline saying, "Sweetie, let her be. It's not easy to get used to one's widower father remarrying, especially when you're a teenage girl. Believe me, I know."

"All right," Mr. Heron said, and Cady was left alone to weep. But about ten minutes later, there was another knock on the door, a soft one this time.

"Excuse me, Cady. This is Stephanie. May I come in?"

Cady stifled her tears. She wanted to shout, "Go away, loser!" but the words wouldn't come out. Then she thought, _This girl probably is in a similar situation to mine…no father around. Maybe we'll get along…we'll see._

She went to the door and opened it. Stephanie entered and sat down on Cady's chair, while Cady sat on the bed.

"You're upset about your father marrying my mom, huh?" Stephanie asked.

"Yes."

"It's too soon."

"I know!"

"But I think grown-ups will be grown-ups."

"How is marrying weeks after you met someone a growu-up think to do?"

"I don't know. I just say whatever pops into my head, Cady. If I see elephants riding on balloons in my mind's eye, I would say 'Elephants riding on balloons.' It doesn't mean anything."

"Is there any way to stop your mother from marrying my father?'

"Can you halt a juggernaut?"

"Oh come on; it can't be that hard."

"Trust me: it is. My mother is so in love with your dad that she is thinking of buying a pet heron."

"People have herons for pets?"

"Not usually. But you'd be surprised. One girl I met on a visit to a camp in Wyoming told me she had a pet giraffe."

Both Cady and Stephanie giggled at that.

They heard Caroline calling from the hall. "Oh, gosh, I'd better go. Bye," Stephanie said.

Just as Stephanie was closing the door behind her, Cady said to her, "I think I'll like having you as a step-sister." Stephanie smiled and left.

An hour later Cady got out her drawing pad. She meant to draw Mercedes from memory, but didn't put much thought into it. When she was done, the girl on her pad looked more like Stephanie than Mercedes. Cady thought this odd, but she colored the girl's hair blond instead of black. Black hair would look awful on Stephanie.


End file.
